Don't get on the inflatable boat that you know is going to pop.

So I went to dinner at my Moms friends tonight. They are basically going to be my family once my family leaves. Anyway we were all joking and talking about college and student loans. So my sister makes the comment that you could just get married and they change how you pay them and your school funding etc. So I joke "oh well there is the step I missed" and so then my moms friend makes a comment about being close and I missed that boat. (all in love and joking of course) and I was like "yeah but why would I get on an inflateable boat I know is going to pop? I'll wait for the Yacht."
I have no idea why I siad it... But we all about died laughing. I think it is going to be my new life quote. :)

So t-minus 2 days until my family leaves and I haven't cried in two days... I'm pretty proud. Ha small accomplishments.

P.S. If you see a Yacht around...send it this way. :)

Adaptability..or not

Disclaimer: This blog is purely for me. I rationalize things through the written word. There are times when this blog is going to be extremely intense, or very very straight forward, but I am not willing to censor myself on here so that others may feel comfortable with what I am going through. And there are other times where what I am saying may seem useless. But Hey... it's my blog, and you don't have to read it. But I hope that if you do you will see me for who I am, nothing without Christ who keeps me centered and grounded. I have an excellent Heavenly Father, and his strength makes me stronger. Anyway, read it if you want, don't read it if you don't want.

I've started this post 100 times, but I cannot seem to find the words to say. None of the words seem like they can fully encompass what I am feeling or thinking. But that is ok, it's all about getting the emotions out.

I've always considered myself an adaptable person.
a⋅dapt⋅a⋅ble  /əˈdæptəbəl/ [uh-dap-tuh-buhl]
–adjective
1.
capable of being adapted.
2.
able to adjust oneself readily to different conditions: an adaptable person.

I love new people, new situations, new cultures, new cities and towns. I like change, I like it so much I usually rearrange my bedroom/living room/desk space at work once a month. I like NEW, even if it is all the same things in a new way. But I have discovered there is a catch to this whole change thing... I like it, as long as I am in control of it, and included in it.

I adapted well to moving so much as a kid, it was a new adventure. I had some constants (my family) but I got to go into a new school. Being the new kid was kind of fun, you have this mysteriousness to you that makes people want to get to know you. "ohh, why is she suddenly here? Where did she come from?" etc, etc. Although I admit it was a lot more fun to be the new kid in Elementary school than in the Adult World.

I adapted well to going to community college at the age of 16. Sort of like being the new kid, but you just know you are smarter than the 18 year olds you are in class with. Ha kidding. But it was fun and the classes were challenging and I met great people from all different walks of life.

I adapted well to moving to Florida to work at Disney World. OK... sure moving to a nice sunny location and working for the most popular mouse in the world isn't that hard of an adaption. But I adapted, I learned things about people, some things I will never forget, somethings I wish I could. But I did well, I adapted.

I adapted well to moving to Missouri to go to school. This time it was almost like in Elementary School. Although I moved in with a whole bunch of other Freshman... I was the mysterious girl from Seattle. (More like the crazy girl who would move from Seattle to Missouri... City life to Corn Fields.) But I loved it. I loved college. Ok... there were days that I hated college, but for the most part I loved it. I did well there on my own. I made amazing friends, had great experiences, had horrible experiences. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I lost, I disappointed myself, I surprised myself, I grew up. I adapted.

I adapted OK to Cleveland. I feel like this may be where I lost my adaptability. Or maybe where I realized there is far more to being adaptable than just settling into a new place. The first struggle I faced is that... Clevelanders are Clevelanders and they like Clevelanders. Now please don't take this as a slam to Cleveland. It is just..fact. People are born here, they live here, they die here. They go to school with the same kids from kindergarten to high school and really don't add to their circle of friends. Their kids then go to school with their friends who they grew up with kids and the cycle continues. To make friends and a social circle it is like pushing yourself into an ecosystem that was perfectly fine and self sufficient before you came along. if you left that ecosystem... it would continue on. So it takes time to make friends here, to create that circle... and I guess I am still in that taking time part... and I don't like that. It is something I have no control in. In school, community college, Disney, college... in those settings there was always someone who wanted to be friends with the new kid, or there was a large group of new kids so it didn't matter. Here... they are content without the new kid. And that is ok, I just have to work on making myself the old kid??

Anyway this post is not about Cleveland. It is about the fact that there is a lot in my life that I have a harder time being adaptable to, but I put a plastic smile on and pretend I am adapting fine. Like when I was diagnosed with Hashimotos when I was 16, or had the surgeries when I was 20, or called off my wedding when I was 21. Or... when I started to go blind at 22, or started to lose feeling of my limbs at 22, or had pain so bad in my head everyday that I just wish it would explode at 22. These things I don't adapt to well, but I am sure you are thinking... who would? But still I put my plastic smile on... I put my faith in God and I push forward knowing that better is just around the corner. But there is one thing I haven't been adapting to well, one thing I haven't even been able to put the plastic smile on for. Mostly I just try and push it out of my mind. I try and numb myself to it... and it doesn't work.

I may be 22, but the fact that my parents are moving to Houston this week causes me to not be able to breathe every time I think about it. I know, I know I adapted soo well to all those moves as a kid, and moving out on my own and all of these things. But here's the thing, in all of those, I have never been left. My parents have never moved leaving me behind, I've left them behind. And it sounds so lame, and juvenile... but I feel like I am being abandoned here. My little brothers have been a live almost 6 years. Do you know how many of their birthdays I have been physically present at? 2, Birth and their 1st birthday. I am going to miss them going to 1st grade, making friends, riding their bikes without training wheels, swimming on their own, all of those things. And yes I realize they are not my children so it's not like it should matter. But it does. It breaks my heart to know that I won't be able to cuddle up with them on the couch to watch a movie, or take them out to spoil them.

It scares me to think that with my current medical problems I won't have my mom at the doctors appointments with me. And yeah I am 22, I should be able to handle things. It stinks to know that my best friend, my mom will be in texas not just down the street for me to go to movies with, or learn to sew, or cook or whatever else. My dad won't be here to help me work out my problems, take my car cleaned just because.

But most of all... it stinks that every night after work I will go back to my apartment, alone.

So yeah, I am not adapting well to this change. And maybe I am just being "an emotional woman" about it all. Because there is part of me that is so excited for them. So excited that my dad is in a job he enjoys, that the boys are excited about their new house and school. That my mom has friends down there from lifetimes ago. I really am excited for them, and excited that God has so much in store for them.

But... for now I am going to be upset about it. Starting Saturday I will be, alone.

So maybe if you see me this week, steer clear of the phrases "So how are you doing" "How are you dealing with all of this" etc. Because it's like the little kid that falls down. They are OK, until you ask them if they are OK, and then they start crying. I am OK... until you ask me, and then I may start crying.

But I have an excellent Father, and his strength makes me stronger. He will get me through this. He has a plan for this, and for me.