Surreal

The theme of this past week and a half has been called "Surreal". I feel like all the conversations that we have had in the past week and a half have been extremely surreal. Almost like we are talking about an entirely different family. Someone else's mom. But mostly not my mom. MY MOM.
My Mom who went to school while raising us. My Mom who worked and worked and worked for us. My Mom who is amazing at sewing, crocheting, knitting, all of it. My Mom who has 5 kids, 1 son in law, 1 daughter in law, and two grandbabies on the way. My Mom who has been faithfully married to her husband for 26 years. My Mom who gets a long with everyone. My Mom who can still have a sarcastic sense of humor as she is puking her guts out.
No really... this can't be MY MOM. My MOM who is the best mom in the world. Really aren't we talking about someone els'e who needs to have tumors the size of baseballs and potato's taken out. It must be someone else's mom where they found three other tumors in the abdomen. It must be someone else's mom who they are talking about putting in a line to be able to flood her abdomen with chemo. It must be someone else's mom who they are talking about intense chemo. It must me someone else's mom. It has to... not my mom.
But sadly it is, it is My Mom. My naturally beautiful, brilliant, strong Mom who will go into surgery tomorrow.
So how do I handle this, process this, examine this? Well it's surreal. But tomorrow... the surreal becomes very real, very fast. So I pray. I pray for the traffic on the way to the hospital. I pray for the check in process at the hospital to be as smooth as possible. I pray that as they start to prep her that the IV doesn't take too long to get in, that she is warm enough, that my Dad is able to be back there with her as long as possible. I pray that as they put her under she goes with positive thoughts. I pray for the nurses in that room that they will be confident in their jobs and be helpful. I pray for the anesthesiologist to be on their game, to be able to control her breathing, and keep her under. I pray for the surgeons to be lead by God. That they will be the eyes and hands to God's plan. That they will find all the cancer cells and get them out. That when they begin removing it from the bladder and colon they use aggressive judgement on what they need to take vs. leave. I pray for the surgeons to have gotten a great night sleep to be energized in the morning for the surgery. I pray for their feet to not be tired from standing, for their hands to not be tired from cutting, for their eyes to not be tired from looking, for their mind to be sharp. I pray for the doctors on call, that if they are needed in that OR that it is a priority. I pray for this hospital that it will have the appropriate equipment, the appropriate power. I pray for the staffs kindness, concern and bedside manner. I pray for my family. For my little brothers to know but not fully understand. For my older brother and his wife to have a the level of peace they need through out the day as we updated them. For my sister and her husband to be able to stay calm and peaceful through out the day and to fully understand that they are still a huge help even if they can't physically be down here yet. For my grandma's to have peace and comfort of God's love and plan. For my aunts and uncles to be great supports and comfort to one another. For Carl to understand that I process things differently than most, but that our family appreciates him being here. For him to be able to prove a level of comfort and peace to the waiting room as we all sit together. I pray for my Dad to feel God's grace, mercy and peace to a level in which only God can show. For him to be able to distract himself from going crazy waiting. I pray for him to be a strong hold for his wife of 26 years. I pray for his own worries, spoken and unspoken and to find comfort in those who can provide it.

So really as the surreal becomes more real that I would ever have expected... I pray.

Thoughts...

Random Thoughts:

Sugar Coating our Statements:
I decided that having a boyfriend who rarely sugar coats things is a great thing. At first it completely frustrated me, mostly because we (a society) are soo used to sugar coating everything for people.
But not him, he RARELY sugar coats anything. Sometimes this can be a bad thing, but mostly it is good.
As his girlfriend it is a very nice quality actually, although sometimes it is harsh, he is always honest. He never gives me an answer just because he thinks that is what I want to hear. Because of this, when he says things, I believe him 100% of the time. I never have to consider if he is saying things just to get something from me, I never think that he is just saying it to say it, or saying it because it's the right thing to say. When he calls me beautiful, I know he means it. It really is a blessing in our relationship. I never have to guess what he means, or if he is just saying it. He says what he means. And the funnier part is the times in which he does sugar coat something for me, he immediately feels the need to tell me.
Example:

Me: "ohh you did that just for me?"
Him: "Yes I did"
....(5 seconds pass)
Him: " No, sorry No I didn't do that just for you, but I am glad that it had a positive effect for you as well"

It cracks me up every time. Really, you couldn't even let me think just for 10 seconds that it was just for me? Well that is ok... I appreciate the truth.

Clean this House:
I am busy. When I say that I am no exaggerating, if you think I am, I will show you my google calendar. I am BUSY! But business is no excuse for the disaster my house (insert apartment, but house makes me feel more grown up) has become. It is a wreck. I really really want to simplify my life. Get rid of stuff in my apartment that really I will never use. Get rid of stuff in my closet that has been sitting in the same box since the day I moved in over a year ago. Get rid of clothes that I never wear. But the problem is... I start, I do good for a little while... then I break. I start convincing myself that of course I will wear that. Ohh that little nick nack has so much sentimental value. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM. Will someone come to my house and just get rid of this stuff for me?? My sister has promised that while she is up here for Easter that she will clean my closet out. Ohhh I wish she was coming this weekend. I want it cleannnnnnnnnnnn. Clean house = Clean mind. No wonder my mind is so cluttered. Even more incentive? My boyfriend is supposed to bring my new king sized mattress to my place this weekend... something needs to happen between now and then, because he is NOT seeing my place how it is now. (Which is a direct result of me visiting him too much ;) ).

VACATION...please?
Ok I know I was just in Florida over a month and a half ago... but I am so ready for a vacation. Being home SICK SICK SICK last week for 3 days doesn't count either. Mostly I am ready to see my family. A month and one week from today I will be flying to Houston to see my parents and little brothers with the boyfriend, and I am so so so so so excited. But can I really last a month? As long as it goes as fast as Feb, I supposed. But there goes my whole goal of living in the present and not living event to event in life. Ohh well, always a goal to achieve.

Speaking of Goals to Achieve .... I heard a comedian today that said "They always told us in school that practice made perfect. Then they would tell you that no one was perfect. ... So I just stopped practicing." haha

Ok enough random thoughts for today.

Improvements

So I am a month behind on New Years Resolutions. But there are some improvements that I need to make to my life. I have been thinking about them a lot lately. They consume my thoughts during the day, before I got to bed at night, when I wake up in the morning. The more they consume my thoughts the more frightening it becomes to make these improvements. But alas they do need to be made. To make me a better person, to make me a better friend, co-worker, girlfriend, daughter, etc. To make me better.
I am the worst at having things that I want to do, want to change, need to change, and just sitting there basically waiting for those things to change themselves. "Ah, I'll do that tomorrow..." and then tomorrow comes and goes. Why do we put off those things that are most important? Why do we put off the things that will change our lives to the better? I think it is because we are creatures of habit. We get up, we get ready, we face the day, we are exhausted, we sleep. We convince ourselves that we need more time in the day, we need more time in the week, we need more money, we need a better car, a better house. We convince ourselves that to be better we need MORE... but we don't. The only thing we need more of, is God. And where do we place him on our priority list?
We all want to be better people, but are we willing to take the steps be becoming that person? Are we willing to re-prioritize our life so that God is the one on top, the one in control? Are we willing to move forward, not backwards?
When I say I wan't to make improvements in my life, I don't mean that I want some bigger better apartment, or more money. I mean there are things inside of myself that I need to improve, to make better. Things that I put off constantly to another day. But Today... today is the day. I need to stop counting on tomorrow and do what needs to be done today.

In other news: I miss my family a lot. I just want to run away to visit them, right this moment. Probably not a good idea. I've got improvements to make.

Twenty Ten

2010, Twenty Ten, Ten. I am not too fond of 2010 purely for the fact that it is awkward to say. Do you say "Two Thousand Ten" every time? Because the abbreviated "Ten" just sounds weird. Personally I am a fan of "Twenty Ten". But what about in 5 years and you want to say "Remember back in.... ten?". I think '99 was easier. Even '09 was easier. "Remember back in '99" "Remember back in '09?" ... Ten just doesn't flow. Oh well, here is to Twenty-Ten. One month in to Twenty-Ten.

I really wanted to write a meaningful post today, but my thoughts are all over the place. I don't think I could get a meaningful comprehensive thought out.

I do want to say though that I love my bible study and the girls in it. God has really blessed me and surrounded me with woman who are so strong in their Faith, willing to admit weakness, but mostly to support one another in the day to day struggles, celebrations, and things that make up our lives. It is so exciting to get together with them and talk about the Bible. All of our approaches to it are completely different, but it's awesome because I walk away learning so much more from them than just my own reading.

It is amazing to have such a good group of friends, who are open, honest and willing to tell you things even if you don't want to hear it. Who are willing to stand up and support you, to ask you the hard questions. It has been such a blessing in my life and I truly look forward to our weekly meetings. The book we have been reading through has been great as well, and is really challenging me to be a better person. A better co-worker, friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister. If you are ever looking for a book to challenge you, to create change in you, than you should read Peacemaker by Ken Sande.

Ok, I'll leave this post just like this because again my thoughts are all over the place, and I doubt I am making sense.