Head First Fearless

I am always amazed when blogger says things like "last post Aug. 14th". I always think... where in the world did the time go. Ohh yes, September was surgery and October was busy with Youth events and going home for a bit and... and someone coming into my life that takes up time. As for November, I swear it just started yesterday and all the sudden it is the 20th. Now is that possible?

It's crazy to think that three months can pass so quickly. That is a whole season of the year that is just gone before my eyes without even noticing. I wish Fall was longer. Although I do have to say I think all Clevelanders are counting their blessings everyday into November that doesn't have snow. And actually its been quite the opposite of snow. It's been beautiful, and far more fall like that October was. I remember last year when it snowed on Oct. 30th. This year.. nothing yet. One night it tried, but it didn't even make it to the ground, it was just a heavier rain. Time is such a funny thing. We all claim to not have enough of it, we talk about how quickly it passes, and then we talk about how LONG it takes and how we wish it would pass faster. What a lesson in life it would be to just be content in time. To be fine with where you are at, not wish for more time, not wish it to go faster, not complain it went to fast. To just be content. I think that is probably actually where I am at right now in life, content. Of course I say that after a whole monologue about not knowing where the time went, but realistically it didn't move too fast, it didn't move too slow, I was very content on where I was in time. The time that has past has great memories, and the time in the future begs for greater ones. I am content in time right now.

For instance, I am so excited to go home and see my family next week, but I am content that it isn't this week, I am fine that it is not here yet, I don't wish time would speed up or slow down. There are plenty of things to look forward to between today and when I leave, and lots to look forward to when I get home.

I am so thankful for my family and friends. How lucky am I to have family that lives all over the country so that I get to experience many different parts of the American Culture, as well as have the opportunity to travel. Of course I wish I either A. lived a tad closer or B. had a transporting system that was far faster than flying. But realistically.. it works right now. I love the planning of trips home to see my family, the anticipation, the excitement that my little brothers show when they see me. It's always fun to fly in late at night after they are asleep and watch their reaction when they wake up in the morning to find me there.

I am also very lucky and thankful for Miah & Lindsay, Emmie & Andy. What a great gift each of these couples will be bringing into the world in 2010. I cannot think of anything greater than the chance to become an Aunt, and two times in one year! Miah and Linds are due in April and think they are having a boy. Emmie and Andy are due in July and think they are having a girl. So I of course ... I think Miah and Linds will have a girl and Emmie and Andy will have a boy. Isn't that what sisters are for? To think the opposite of you? I am very excited for all the things 2010 has to offer!

God is such an amazing God. The promise he has given us for life is one that he never fails to deliver and I am so thankful for that. It's funny how is promise is always there, it is always the truth and yet, often we still need that little bit of reassurance and he willingly gives that to us. As 2009 starts to draw to a close I find my self reflecting on my growth in this year. To say that it has been an interesting year is probably an understatement, but the path it has lead me on has been one of great growth.

I'll be the first to admit, and you can witness it by reading through previous posts that I haven't always been a ... fan of Cleveland. Shocker I know. But as I sit here in November getting ready to embark on another Cleveland winter... I am OK with it. I know this is where God wants me right now. As for next week? Next Month? Next year? I don't know. But right now I know I am exactly where God wants me. When I first moved here and started working for the church a good friend said... "It takes about 18- 20 months in Cleveland to really feel like you are settled or are getting a life". I really didn't believe her. Well I have now lived here for about 19 months... and shes right. I am starting to feel more at home, I can't tell you when the next weekend is that I DON'T have something going on. So yeah... she was right. It was a long, hard road but it was worth it. And in the 17-18 months it took me to find myself settling in, I really grew as a person. I am a better person today than I was last thanksgiving, than I was last Christmas, than I was last February, than I was last May, than I was last July, than even in October. I am a better person, and I have to take a step back and realize it's because of the people I have met here in Cleveland.

Life is all about the willingness to grow, to change, to be flexible, to want to be a better person. I so badly want to be a better person, and hopefully one day I will be. What a comfort it is to know that we are all sinners saved by the Grace of God.

There are things in my life right now that are challenging me, that are forcing me to face things that I haven't wanted to, haven't been willing to. It's a period of great learning, growth, self realization. It's scary, frightening, humbling, exciting, enjoyable, and exhilarating. Frankly it's hard to put into words. Luckily for me I have great people behind me, backing me up, supporting me, pushing me, praying for me, talking to me, asking hard questions. I am so excited to be embarking on this next period of life and so thankful for those who are there for me during me. And I am going to to jump in head first, fearless.

I am thankful for those that during my doubts, and my insecurities are willing to give me just a few reassurances.

I suppose this post is long enough since it it is practically a book. Hopefully I will just be better about posting and then I won't have to write such long ones. :)

Love always, Insomnia

Dear Caitie,

It appears there was an error with the postal system. I only recently received your letter breaking up with me. I have to say though, you are not very good at breaks up. You cannot seem to resist my temptations. I am slightly appalled that you are not thanking me instead of breaking up with me. I mean, think of the countless books you have read thanks to me, useless movies you have watched? What about all of those television shows online you have found? New music? Really I have helped you out immensely culturally.

I will admit there are some downsides to me, but every relationship has it's bumps. I mean, so you have had too much time to look up the negative side effects of your tonsillectomy. (really, you won't bleed out). And there is all that research you did on carpenter ants, I am sure you could have skipped that. And I guess the biggest draw back of all is the being so tired during the day you wonder if you are actually walking around in a dream.

But really, don't those pale in comparison to the quality time we spend together? I just don't see why you dislike me. We are good together. We've been seeing each other for a while now. You might as stay with me, Change is hard.

Loving you for now,

Insomnia.

No more Coffee

No more Coffee. I have been drinking a lot of frozen drinks lately because my throat has hurt too much to eat a lot of solids. Well.. I don't drink caffeine in my regular life. Caffeine is messing with my body, causing my heart to race. Making this all worse. No good, no more coffee. Don't listen to me if I tell you I want coffee.

Lean not on your own understanding

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own

understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He

shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3.5-6



I hate, hate the feeling of being uneasy, restlessness, unfaithful. It has cripled me today. It has completely cripled my thoughts, actions, motives. It makes me sick.



"Trust in he Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." What a powerful statement. How much simpler does God need to put it. Trust him, put your heart in his hands and don't lean on your own understanding. It is so easy to think we know everything, why everything happens, and try to come up with our own reasoning and undertanding for events that happen. Yet we are called on to not lean on our own understanding. God has this view of our whole world, our whole world and yet we are continuely trying to tell him what everything means.



"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." I need to get rid of these feelings, acknowledge Him, and let him guide my path. That is what I need, I want him to guide my path. Not me, no I am going to lean on him and not my own understanding.



Although there are many different things up in the air in my life right now, I need to put my trust in God, in his plan. I need to put my understanding in his understanding. I can't do this alone.