3:15...AM?

Why is it the nights that you want to sleep so badly you can't? The nights you know your going to be tired tomorrow even if you do get enough sleep... you don't sleep? Maybe this only happens to me. I wouldn't be surprised. I feel like my insomnia has come back full force lately. The good thing is that tonight I actually got a lot of thinking done.
Truthfully, I have been struggling. Struggling everyday, and yet I didn't know with what. Ok that is not the whole truth, I do know what but I guess I didn't know how to verbalize it until tonight. You see, I lay down to go to sleep and I just lay there, doing nothing. Thoughts are swimming through my brain like those fish tanks at Wal-Mart. Where there are so many fish in the tank and they just keep running into each other, back in forth in the tank. That's what my brain feels like, the thoughts come and they go, but when one is gone another one is there, and I can't push anyone of them out.
The thoughts go from wanting my Senior Recital in two weeks to be over, to wanting it to be spring break, to wanting to be in Washington D.C., to jobs, to wanting a job, to wanting to get out of kansas city, to wanting to be anywhere but Kansas City, to David, to wanting to get over David.
Ok so lets start with the obvious, David. You know what I find the funniest? When people tell me, "Man you are doing so well, if I were you I wouldn't be doing this well so soon", or some variation of this line. When this is said to me, I laugh in my head and think, "Score, another day down of fooling the world." I mean don't get me wrong, I have really really good days. But mostly, I just want to be over it already. I don't want to drive past the chili's and think of him, or the IHOP, or a lot of places really. I want to be done. I mean obviously he is, so why can't I be? And I try so hard, and I know with all my heart that I am so glad that I didn't marry him. I am so glad that I stood up for myself. I am so glad to not be in that relationship right now. So why? Why can't I be over him? I WANT TO BE OVER HIM. Which brings me to the second point.
Did you notice in all my thoughts, and in my last sentence above they all have in common the word WANT? Want is such a tricky word. You know you've all heard your mom use the classic, "Just because you want it doesn't mean you need it". Ah oh so true. Ok, so I don't need spring break to be here, I am sure I will live. But really, all these things I am wanting... why? So I am laying in bed thinking about all of this, letting these thoughts cloud my brain, like when you pour cereal out too small of a hole and it gets stuck, so you shake it around until a couple pieces fall through (ok maybe this only happens to me.). Anyway, I am laying here, doing this... and then I just start praying. Now let me assure you, I have not prayed like this since August. Which makes me pray harder, and cry. And as I am praying and expressing all these thoughts to God, all my fears, wants, needs, desires, guilt's, sins, all of it, it's like finally getting that one piece of cereal out of the way and the flow becomes more fluid. I am not joking here, or being dramatic or exaggerating. I just let it go. And as I am doing this, I just feel led to read my bible. Right then, right in the middle of the night. So I pray a little while longer, and I talk to God about how I need to do this more, obviously, and how I need to read more, and how I need to focus on getting myself back. And all I hear God saying is, read, right now, read. So I do.
I don't know where to start. It's like picking up an old friend after not talking for a long time, and you just wonder, where should we start. I mean we need to cover everything, but we have to start somewhere. So I just open it, figuring, well we got to start somewhere right? And when I open it I find a note that David had written me. And really, its horrible, I mean, the things he said to me in this note weren't nice. And then there was a note behind it from him, and it was a little better, and then a third, apologizing. So I realize the first thing I need to do is clear all of these things out of my bible, I need him out of my bible. I need him out of my relationship with God. I need him to stop holding me back from my relationship with God. So that's what I do, I go through my bible, which is much like a scrapbook, and I clear him out. And it feels soo good.
So then I think, now what. I mean I know God wants me to read, and I know the first step was to clear this out of my bible. But I want to read so bad, where do I start. So I flip to the bad to the subject guide and just read the first page that it is open to and the first word I land on is "Comfort". Comfort... what a funny word. A word that I think isn't used enough. So under comfort there are a few different types; comfort in grief, comfort in trouble, comfort when we sin, comfort when afraid, comfort from God, comfort from the Holy Spirit, comfort from others. So I look at this list and I think, um... hello I need all of these. But again, we got to start some where. And I know, I know I need to start with comfort in grief. I mean, its about time I face the facts that this is what I am dealing with, grief, so it lists two bible verses under grief, Job 2:11-13 and Psalm 23. So Job 2:11-13 is about Jobs friends coming and seeing him, and barely recognising him and just sitting with him to comfort him in his state, not really knowing what to say. Which gets me thinking. I mean I am sure my friends don't really talk about whats going on, because they don't know what to say. And comfort can just come in the form of being there. Humm interesting.
So then I read Psalm 23. And BAM, Emerial style it hits me in the face. I mean really, the first line is all I need to read to know why God wanted me to read so badly... Psalm 23:1 "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."
Ummm... wow. Really that's what I feel like. Umm wow. I get it God. Alllll of those thoughts I was thinking, that were keeping me from sleep, which in reality were keeping me from God were WANTS!, and here God is saying, don't Want, you have me. I am your shepherd, I am here to lead you, to guide to, to bring you home and let you lay in the pasture during the day, I will provide if you follow me, so you don't need to want anything. Yes I want my senior recital to be over, but it will be in two weeks... why speed up time any more then it already goes? Yes I want spring break to be now, but its going to be here, so why do I want it so bad? Yes I WANT a Job, but God is going to provide, and I am going to be where he wants me, and needs me to do his work, so why do I want? (no this doesn't mean I am going to stop looking, but I am going to stop wanting). And finally... Yes I WANT to be over David. But there is one thing standing in my way, my relationship with Jesus. I need to let him me my shepherd again. I need to let him lead, lead me away from David, let him lead my thoughts away from David. Let him show me how much more he loves me. I can WANT to get over David all I ...want? haha but until I give it up to God and let him lead... it is never going to happen. It is time to stop grieving, and start moving, start following. And no this doesn't mean tomorrow I am going to be "all better". Heck Faith doesn't make things easy, it makes things possible. But it is nice to have hope in the possibility again.
If you continue on reading in Psalm 23 it says in verse 5: "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." Man what a powerful statement. I mean, to follow God, let go of your wants, and he is going to give you want you need, and you are going to be sitting there in front of your enemies anointed in Gods love, your cup overflowing with his blessings. Man God is so good.
So I know this post is long for a first one, but I just felt so ALIVE, so powerful... so much like me, that I had to write. I had to get it out. I feel like tonight was a turning point for me. And no I am not going to be perfect and read the bible everyday like I would like, but I am going to try my hardest. I am going to try my hardest everyday to my faith in the Lord that he will provide. And you know what? I am going to screw up. I am, really. But that's OK. God will forgive me, and Him and I, we will move on. You see I heard this metaphor one time about your relationship with God... he's like that friend you make a weekly meeting time for coffee with... and sometimes you forget to show. But he never does. And even when you forget week after week after week, he still shows up. And he will be sitting there, waiting, with a cup of coffee, waiting for you to talk to him again. His love is endless. He doesn't forget about you when you forget about him. He is there, waiting, with open arms. And let me tell you, God and I had a good cup of coffee tonight, a great big hug, and I gave him back the keys to my life. No more hiding out and wishing to disappear. It's like riding a tandem bike. Whether you let God on the front or the back, he is always there to help you pedal, but maybe let him sit in the front and steer, because he knows the way, and the path. And he surely can see that pothole your about to hit.
Goodnight all. Maybe it's about time you had that cup of coffee with God... I know he's ready.
P.S. Thank you to those who stuck with me and wait for me to hit this point.