Dearest

Dearest Insomnia,

I'm sorry I have to do this in a letter but you have given me no other choice. I am breaking up with you. You like to sneek up, creep up, pop up for no reason. For some reason this amuses you... But I am going to have to ask you to leave. Although my finger and toe nails are now pretty, my bathroom is super clean, and I've read half of a new book ... I'd rather you leave. I'm sorry that I appear to have sent you the wrong message that I hate sleep. That is not true, I love sleep... I actually miss it dearly. It was not my intention to mislead you.

So Mr. Insomnia I am going to have to politely ask you to leave. You have turned into an unwanted house guest. You are not welcome here, so if you could just find the nearest emergency exit and leave, that would be greatly appreciated. I am not trying to hurt your feeligs... But you make my life more difficult. Good friends don't make someones life harder. The day after you visit I am so tired I can barley make through work.. Yet you are relentless and continue to visit the next night as well. This is just not working out for me.

So please go, and don't come back.

No hard feelings ok? We will both be better off when this break up is over. It's not you ... It's me. Ok really it's you... I can't stand you. And no we can't just be friends, it really wouldn't be in my best interest.

Best of luck. I am sure you will find someone who makes you so happy, happier than I could ever have. And as for me? Well me and sleep are gettig back together... I just can't deny my true love any longer.

Sincerely,

Caitie

5 o'clock somewhere...

It's 4 minuets to 5 pm. And as Sandy says "I've done nothing"
... some how I have spent the entire day working and accomplished nothing. Worse than that, I was busy all day... I just wish I could figure out what I have gotten done. I wish more things on my "to do" list were checked off. Dreaded "To Do" List, it's like it is mocking me. "Ah haha, you didn't check very much off of me, so you must have done nothing" Well I tell you what Mr. "To Do" List... darn you win.

I just thought "humm, maybe I should call my mom and see if she wants me to pick up something for dinner..." sucks to forget you will be having dinner for one. (Cheaper maybe haha)

This weekend I...
Watched 4 movies
Read 2 entire books
Went out to two meals with friends
Slept around 25 hours (night time and naps)
Convinced someone they didn't have swine flu (like I really know?)
And hid myself away from the world while I processed.

I also decided that I cannot process this all at this point, so instead... My parents are on Vacation. Yes they are vacationing in beautiful Texas, they seem to be enjoying it. The land of hot weather, swimming pools and varmint fences.

I think I have started to be come numb to it all. To the fact that I will go from spending every night eating dinner with my family, to eating dinner (almost) every night by myself. I think that is the hardest part of this all, it's not like college where you are consistently surrounded by people (like it or not...) once I leave work, it's just me and my TV dinners. (just kidding mom, I am trying to make actual meals).

Anyway, needless to say, my parents have made it safely to Texas. They will live in a temporary apartment until their house is ready to be moved into on June 2nd. Funny how that is the exact date of my Mayo Clinic appointment. Because my parents will be moving that day, my very great and awesome Aunt and Uncle will be accompanying me to Mayo. It's sad to say that I am excited about a doctors appointment, but I am so excited.

I am so excited to hopefully have an answer to all of this. Today my joints are all swollen, I mean really swollen. To the point where good friends asked about it. Who knows why. I can't imagine a day that I could wake up with no pain in my face/head. Or vision in my eyes... or feeling in my leg. At this point I would take any one of those and be completely happy with that.

I have also decided I need to watch who I joke around with about my doctors appointments with. I guess a lot of people don't get that the only way to get through all of this is to have a sense of humor about it. I mean, I really don't get why they don't think it's funny when they ask "So when is your Mayo appointment" and I say "Right after my mustard one." Haha, maybe if they knew more about my doctors appointments and my treatment of late, they might agree that I have already had my Mustard appointment. It was salty and bitter, it did not make anything taste better. Yes that is how I will describe my last appointment, it was my Mustard appointment. I am looking forward to the Mayo appointment, a little bit sweet, adds a lot and overall makes things better.

Well I think I shall go home... rest these incredibly swollen joints. Make a wholesome dinner (hahaha right) ... and watch Dancing with the Stars. Don't judge me, you wish you could dance that well.

I have an excellent Father, his strength makes me stronger.

Don't get on the inflatable boat that you know is going to pop.

So I went to dinner at my Moms friends tonight. They are basically going to be my family once my family leaves. Anyway we were all joking and talking about college and student loans. So my sister makes the comment that you could just get married and they change how you pay them and your school funding etc. So I joke "oh well there is the step I missed" and so then my moms friend makes a comment about being close and I missed that boat. (all in love and joking of course) and I was like "yeah but why would I get on an inflateable boat I know is going to pop? I'll wait for the Yacht."
I have no idea why I siad it... But we all about died laughing. I think it is going to be my new life quote. :)

So t-minus 2 days until my family leaves and I haven't cried in two days... I'm pretty proud. Ha small accomplishments.

P.S. If you see a Yacht around...send it this way. :)

Adaptability..or not

Disclaimer: This blog is purely for me. I rationalize things through the written word. There are times when this blog is going to be extremely intense, or very very straight forward, but I am not willing to censor myself on here so that others may feel comfortable with what I am going through. And there are other times where what I am saying may seem useless. But Hey... it's my blog, and you don't have to read it. But I hope that if you do you will see me for who I am, nothing without Christ who keeps me centered and grounded. I have an excellent Heavenly Father, and his strength makes me stronger. Anyway, read it if you want, don't read it if you don't want.

I've started this post 100 times, but I cannot seem to find the words to say. None of the words seem like they can fully encompass what I am feeling or thinking. But that is ok, it's all about getting the emotions out.

I've always considered myself an adaptable person.
a⋅dapt⋅a⋅ble  /əˈdæptəbəl/ [uh-dap-tuh-buhl]
–adjective
1.
capable of being adapted.
2.
able to adjust oneself readily to different conditions: an adaptable person.

I love new people, new situations, new cultures, new cities and towns. I like change, I like it so much I usually rearrange my bedroom/living room/desk space at work once a month. I like NEW, even if it is all the same things in a new way. But I have discovered there is a catch to this whole change thing... I like it, as long as I am in control of it, and included in it.

I adapted well to moving so much as a kid, it was a new adventure. I had some constants (my family) but I got to go into a new school. Being the new kid was kind of fun, you have this mysteriousness to you that makes people want to get to know you. "ohh, why is she suddenly here? Where did she come from?" etc, etc. Although I admit it was a lot more fun to be the new kid in Elementary school than in the Adult World.

I adapted well to going to community college at the age of 16. Sort of like being the new kid, but you just know you are smarter than the 18 year olds you are in class with. Ha kidding. But it was fun and the classes were challenging and I met great people from all different walks of life.

I adapted well to moving to Florida to work at Disney World. OK... sure moving to a nice sunny location and working for the most popular mouse in the world isn't that hard of an adaption. But I adapted, I learned things about people, some things I will never forget, somethings I wish I could. But I did well, I adapted.

I adapted well to moving to Missouri to go to school. This time it was almost like in Elementary School. Although I moved in with a whole bunch of other Freshman... I was the mysterious girl from Seattle. (More like the crazy girl who would move from Seattle to Missouri... City life to Corn Fields.) But I loved it. I loved college. Ok... there were days that I hated college, but for the most part I loved it. I did well there on my own. I made amazing friends, had great experiences, had horrible experiences. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I lost, I disappointed myself, I surprised myself, I grew up. I adapted.

I adapted OK to Cleveland. I feel like this may be where I lost my adaptability. Or maybe where I realized there is far more to being adaptable than just settling into a new place. The first struggle I faced is that... Clevelanders are Clevelanders and they like Clevelanders. Now please don't take this as a slam to Cleveland. It is just..fact. People are born here, they live here, they die here. They go to school with the same kids from kindergarten to high school and really don't add to their circle of friends. Their kids then go to school with their friends who they grew up with kids and the cycle continues. To make friends and a social circle it is like pushing yourself into an ecosystem that was perfectly fine and self sufficient before you came along. if you left that ecosystem... it would continue on. So it takes time to make friends here, to create that circle... and I guess I am still in that taking time part... and I don't like that. It is something I have no control in. In school, community college, Disney, college... in those settings there was always someone who wanted to be friends with the new kid, or there was a large group of new kids so it didn't matter. Here... they are content without the new kid. And that is ok, I just have to work on making myself the old kid??

Anyway this post is not about Cleveland. It is about the fact that there is a lot in my life that I have a harder time being adaptable to, but I put a plastic smile on and pretend I am adapting fine. Like when I was diagnosed with Hashimotos when I was 16, or had the surgeries when I was 20, or called off my wedding when I was 21. Or... when I started to go blind at 22, or started to lose feeling of my limbs at 22, or had pain so bad in my head everyday that I just wish it would explode at 22. These things I don't adapt to well, but I am sure you are thinking... who would? But still I put my plastic smile on... I put my faith in God and I push forward knowing that better is just around the corner. But there is one thing I haven't been adapting to well, one thing I haven't even been able to put the plastic smile on for. Mostly I just try and push it out of my mind. I try and numb myself to it... and it doesn't work.

I may be 22, but the fact that my parents are moving to Houston this week causes me to not be able to breathe every time I think about it. I know, I know I adapted soo well to all those moves as a kid, and moving out on my own and all of these things. But here's the thing, in all of those, I have never been left. My parents have never moved leaving me behind, I've left them behind. And it sounds so lame, and juvenile... but I feel like I am being abandoned here. My little brothers have been a live almost 6 years. Do you know how many of their birthdays I have been physically present at? 2, Birth and their 1st birthday. I am going to miss them going to 1st grade, making friends, riding their bikes without training wheels, swimming on their own, all of those things. And yes I realize they are not my children so it's not like it should matter. But it does. It breaks my heart to know that I won't be able to cuddle up with them on the couch to watch a movie, or take them out to spoil them.

It scares me to think that with my current medical problems I won't have my mom at the doctors appointments with me. And yeah I am 22, I should be able to handle things. It stinks to know that my best friend, my mom will be in texas not just down the street for me to go to movies with, or learn to sew, or cook or whatever else. My dad won't be here to help me work out my problems, take my car cleaned just because.

But most of all... it stinks that every night after work I will go back to my apartment, alone.

So yeah, I am not adapting well to this change. And maybe I am just being "an emotional woman" about it all. Because there is part of me that is so excited for them. So excited that my dad is in a job he enjoys, that the boys are excited about their new house and school. That my mom has friends down there from lifetimes ago. I really am excited for them, and excited that God has so much in store for them.

But... for now I am going to be upset about it. Starting Saturday I will be, alone.

So maybe if you see me this week, steer clear of the phrases "So how are you doing" "How are you dealing with all of this" etc. Because it's like the little kid that falls down. They are OK, until you ask them if they are OK, and then they start crying. I am OK... until you ask me, and then I may start crying.

But I have an excellent Father, and his strength makes me stronger. He will get me through this. He has a plan for this, and for me.